Golden Knob Award

The Sporting Hasbeens pedigree was built by a band of ageing Queensland University rugby players who enjoyed many successful seasons together during the 1980's and 1990's. Unfortunately, athletic prowess does not necessarily increase with old age as many of us know. An increasing number of our members have discovered this fact the hard way later in life as they foolishly aimed to maintain the "manly sporting hero" perceptions of their partners, children, and mates by participating in a range of late season comebacks and corporate sporting events well beyond their former and current abilities, fitness levels and intelligence. The annual Golden Knob Award is presented to the most embarrassing sporting tragic of a growing list of nominations each year.

2008

Stuart Rees (Runner Up 2008)

As a schoolboy, Reesy dominated the Queensland sporting landscape with representative honours in cricket, AFL and rugby union. Little did he expect that later in his sporting career his hard won honours and wellhoned skills would contribute little, apart from laughter. Thirty four (34) years after gloriously representing the Queensland Primary Schools AFL team, Reesy decided that it was the right time for a comeback in an over 40’s competition and perhaps, just perhaps, a shock admission to the celebrated AFL draft. On a chilly winter’s night in “nearby” Caboolture, Reesy pulled on the footy boots, entering the competitive fray with his usual over-confidence and boring attention to details. While attempting to show up his team mates, Reesy flew high for a “specie” early in the game and crashed to floor, falling over his team mates. A sharp and noticeable pain in his right leg suggested that bodily things were not quite right, in fact, they were possibly seriously wrong. Not wanting to show his streaming tears to his team mates, Reesy signalled to the reserves bench for a replacement and hobbled from the field. The swelling and pain grew worse as the game progressed indicating that Reesy may have in fact fractured his leg. Always one to “keep up appearances”, Reesy could not let his team mates think he was “unskilled” or worse “soft”, so Reesy then drove himself to the RBH where his fractured leg was diagnosed. Back to the cricket field.

“Filthy” Phil McLaughlin. (Winner 2008)

A competitive ocean swimmer, Phil was keen to show his training mates that race day was an opportunity to “turn it on”, no matter who the competition was, able-bodied ….or disabled.

Whilst powering out to the first turning buoy, Phil felt a strong tugging sensation at his tight-fitting Speedos. Suspecting competitive but somewhat foul play, Phil proceeded to give the said “tugger” a couple of swift right foot kicks to head and a couple of fast lines in the
spirit of: It’s not nice to do that, and please desist doing in any further or I’ll get really cranky”.

Undaunted by Phil’s initial stinging attack, the determined “tugger” strategically continued with Speedo lunges to which Phil continued to retaliate with increasing violence and ferocity.

At the conclusion of the race, Phil later took it upon himself to find the “tugger” in the competitor’s area and give him a final finger pointing and verbal flogging. A short time later, race officials confronted Phil and demanded that he apologise to the “tugger” or his competitive future in Australian ocean swimming events would be very bleak indeed. Sensing a great injustice, Phil took the opportunity to explain the rules and protocols of surf lifesaving and ocean swimming to the race officials who remained unimpressed with his spirited testimony.

“That’s all very good Phil, but we really think you need to say sorry to that poor bloke over there. As a disabled swimmer, he was just trying to get you to help him in the race and he was trying to get your attention. That’s his wheelchair over there.”

Guilt-ridden, head lowered, Phil soon trudged over to the disabled “tugger” to offer a sincere “sorry” and “please forgive” address.

Upon his arrival, the “tugger” seeing his opportunity to retaliate with a captive audience gave Phil a very public spray in the spirit of “You %#$@% d…head, if you try that %$#%)*^& with me again, I’ll ^^%%#^
you, you #%$@@$^ sucker!!!!!!!”

Sensing his inglorious defeat at the hands of both disabled competitor and officialdom, Phil’s day at the beach was truly worthy of a Golden Knob.

2007

2007 – Tom “Jailhouse Rock” Bennett

Filled with the bon homme of Hasbeens 2006, Tom and his side-kick, Matthew Forrest, took it upon themselves to utilise Tom’s founding membership of the acclaimed Chill Bar in Queen Street in the late hours of the Friday night. After dropping a few thousand for the founding membership privilege some years back, Tom decided it was high time he got some return for his investment. After charming the icy bar staff, Tom decided it was time to road test some of his new material on a group of young women who had gathered in the private bar to celebrate the end of the working week. A few well delivered “lines” from our lad, accompanied with his beery breath, unexpectedly earned the ire of the young ladies who summonsed the on-duty manager. The manager promptly contacted the Queensland Police Service, who when receiving the call, recognised a “Code Bennett” immediately and responded with no less than 6 (six) patrol cars to the Chill Bar incident. Some vigorous verbal exchange outlining Tom’s innocence and gentlemanly manners resulted in Tom’s chauffeured ride to the local lock up. But there was a plane to catch the next morning on a well earned overseas holiday!! A few well placed telephone calls to Brisbane’s legal fraternity in the early hours enabled Tom to leave the country the next day with this defrosted tail well between his legs.

2006

2006 – “A Cheeky Rough Red” – Len Stone

With a fine disregard for public standards and child safety, the mercurial Len Stone, volunteered his services to model for the label of the 2006 Brookfield Show Reserve Shiraz. With limited design imagination and modelling talent, Len chose the lowest denominator – his skinny, hairy bum resplendent in fluro blue g-string – to adorn the label of this thankfully, limited edition “cheeky” red wine. The fact that Len got his teenage daughter to take the photograph was the tragic masterstroke that sealed his victory.

Shame Lenny Shame!

2005

2005 – Brad Walker “Ergometer Tragic”

Brad ‘The Ice Man’ Walker is the type of guy who like old rugby players, some of them never realize that whilst you can probably still hold a football or oar, you never have the same abilities of your youth.

So it was no surprise that when confronted with a 3km ergo test to secure himself a spot in the Tatts Men’s 8 for the Head of the Yarra 8.6 km (Melbourne) boat race he decided that going hard was what was needed. Brad went out at a cracking pace and definitely made that ergo his bitch at least for the first 2500 m. The assembled supporters were most impressed at the whipping that Brad was handing out to the submissive machine. However reality started to dawn when the effort went off the cliff as the beleaguered frame struggled to maintain the earlier pace. The supporters we none the less impressed with the overall effort but grew concerned as his normally sun tanned hue turned a pallid shade of grey. It was clear to all but Brad that the Ice Man was melting down. Unaided Brad did manage to make it home that night but then was wisely admitted to the Wesley the next day where he spent 5 days having his system stabilised and his kidneys rehabilitated. So when Brad says to anyone lets go hard or go home I suggest that you take the safer option.

2004

2004 – Bruce Nucifora – "Anchor?....What Anchor?"

After spending the better part of his large annual salary and bonuses on a shiny new boat, Bruce (younger brother of David, Golden Knob winner in 2000) and his closest mates decided to christen the vessel with a boysonly fishing trip at picturesque Rainbow Beach . After some refreshments and fishing, the boys decided to move on to another destination. Bruce, manfully took the helm of his new boat and planted the accelerator in an effort to show his mates his sea faring prowess. When the boat appeared not to move immediately, Bruce decided to increase the acceleration to maximum level, thinking that the tide had gone out and that the boat was momentarily beached on a sandbank. After a series of grinding noises and noticing the smell of burning oil, Bruce realised that something was not quite right and turned around from the helm to investigate. A quick inspection around the boat by Bruce revealed that he had not only burnt out his very new and expensive engine but also and that the anchor was still firmly implanted in the sand below the boat!!

2003

2003 - Damian "Chook" O'Rourke – "Over and Off!"

A return to the cricket oval after his rowing fiasco in 2001, saw "Chook" opening the bowling attack for the Gregory Terrace Old Boys XI against the GPS school's current 1st XI. After nonchalantly being dispatched to the boundary by the opening batsmen several times in his opening spell, "Chook: took great umbrage with a particular pimply batsmen and engaged in the well-honoured Australian cricket tradition of "sledging" the 16 year old in the middle of the pitch. A warning from the umpire did not deter the firedup "Chook" who continue his witty tirade. A "last-warning" from the umpire forced the Old Boys captain to remove "Chook" from the bowling attack and despatch him to the fine leg boundary for the remainder of the game.

2002

2002 – Bryn Hughes – "Tennis Boys?"

A former NCAA tennis player of repute, Bryn teamed up with his boss (who was participating in support of his gay son) in a powerful doubles combination in the Australian Gay Olympic Games. Despite their much publicised playing abilities, the dynamic duo were shafted in the first round of competition.

2001

2001 – Damian "Chook" O'Rourke - "What's This Thing Called an Oar?"

Well known former Brisbane A-grade cricketer who took up the alternative summer sport of rowing at the age of 40+. "Chook" unfortunately lacked all the basic skills, strength and fitness and dislocated his shoulder while trying to push the boat off from the pontoon on race day.

2000

2000 – David Nucifora – "Half Time Speech Maker"

Coach of the West Bulldogs rugby union team who were leading by 30 points at half time and lost to Souths in the Brisbane 1st grade grand final). Nucci's coaching skills thankfully have improved and he has gone on to achieve fantastic results with the ACT Brumbies and the Auckland Blues. Did they do reference checks??

1999

1999 – Robert "Crash" Craddock –It's a Knock Out Half Time Entertainment"

Well known Australian cricket-journalist who agreed to participate in a celebrity sumo wrestling event as part of the half time entertainment during an inter-state fixture at Ballymore, the sacred home of Queensland Rugby Union. Before a packed stadium, "Crash", launched himself into wrestling fray with great gusto. A quick side-step manoeuvre by his opponent saw "Crash" hit the hallowed turf with a thud and knock himself out. Medical assistance was required to revive him while the amused Ballymore crowd wonder whether "Crash" took a theatrical dive (Italian soccer style) or was actually unconscious.

1998

1998 – Peter Kelly – "Almost Half Gold Coast Marathon"

A lack of knowledge, preparation and re-hydration saw this well-known former sports journalist finish the world-renowned event just 400 metres short of his half-marathon goal and in the Gold Coast Hospital with "muscle melt down" (the non-medical term). To rub salt into Peter's  bruised ego, someone stole his souvenir T-shirt!